Saturday, June 20, 2009

Types of Drivers in Ho Chi Minh

The Hot Chick:
The hot chick drives with one goal in mind -- to get noticed. Motobike, helmet, and attire are often color-coordinated. Skin is milky white and is displayed for all to see. Posture is of the utmost importance, with the back perpetually held at an impressive 90 degree angle. Speed and aggression are nowhere to be found, as that would detract from the main goal. Doesn't wear the mask and sun-protection gear so popular with other Vietnamese girls because she likes to show her face. Favors very feminine motobikes. Despite the attention grabbing get-up, she never makes eye contact with the boys gawking at her. Be assured however, she damn sure knows you're looking at her.

The Racing Boy:

Undoubtedly the most dangerous of all the drivers, the racing boy throws caution to the wind and drives like a complete and utter moron. Favors reckless abandonment, speed, and "looking cool." Similar to the hot chick, attention is a high priority. Often wears eye-catching attire, such as purple, pink, and other ridiculous button-down shirts. Motobikes screech loudly and sound like a dying baboon. Prefers not to wear a helmet as that would be a sign of weakness and intelligence. Motobike of choice falls into two categories: old, "juiced" up beaters and new racing bikes. Doesn't realize that people can die. Also fails to realize what the rest of the world does -- his "racing" bike is a moped that tops out at 65 mph.

The Foreigner:

The foreigner has no idea what the hell is going on half the time and is surprised when he or she arrives at work unscathed. Accidents of all varieties are commonplace. Quick to exhibit road rage. Likes to use the horn more as an aggressive "fuck you" than an accident-avoidance mechanism. Usually far too large for a motobike. Often looks ridiculous when traveling on the streets. Prefers older motobikes that are prone to stalling and a myriad of other mechanical problems. Finds solace in beers after work with other foreigners with the conversation revolving around the "retarded driving" in Vietnam.

The Sun-Fearing Woman:
At the top of the sun-fearing woman's greatest fears' list is not the prospect of never getting married, as is commonly believed, but sunshine. Holds an irrational fear of our nearest star and would choose to blow the damn thing up if given the chance. Completely covered from head to toe in cotton of some sort, this woman looks like she is about to rob a bank or partake in guerrilla warfare. Spends roughly 12% of her day putting on and taking off arm-length gloves, masks, sunglasses, sweaters, socks, and the trusty zip-up hoodie -- despite the 100 degree weather.

The Older Man:
This man simply doesn't give a fuck anymore. In his mind, there is only one motobike on the streets and he's on it. He's too old and has put up with his nagging wife who refuses to sleep with him and his annoying kids for too long to have consideration for other drivers. Drives in a zombie-like trance with only his destination in mind. Subconsciously contemplates suicide. Regularly fails to notice red lights, street signs, and the big truck honking loudly behind him. Actions such as left turns and lane changing are performed instantaneously, with nary a glance at the sideview mirrors. Drives the motobike equivalent of a minivan. Wonders why he ever got married.

The Safe, Normal Driver:
This driver doesn't exist.

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